Loneliness and beyond
by Marishaten
Summary: Introspective drabbles depicting Inuyasha's feelings through the four seasons, ending with Kagome coming back after three years and them exchanging promises for the future.
1. Spring: Kashinfuu

In her coming, she crashed through my eternal slumber, in her going she walked all over my heart.

As the gentle spring wind plays with the daisies she played with my heart – touching me, bending me to her will. With her bewitching magic she bloomed a thousand flowers. Yes, she walked all over my heart like the spring wind…

One day she melted away, without even a word of farewell. She left no address, no proof of her ever being. She looked back once, before she faded away – what song had she sung to me?

Ah, but she is gone now, and I sit alone in this garden of flowers she had bloomed for me. She floated away like the ocean waves; maybe she has journeyed on to the land of moonbeams – like Kaguyahime. And wherever she has stopped by, she has left the imprint of her sweet smile.

Did she call out to me, out of the corner of her eyes? But how will I follow her? How will I cross the distance between the present and the future?

Her gentle touch played on the eyes of the moon, and brought enchanted sleep; in my heart it swung the branches of cherry, stirring up a flurry of petals. She glided over my garden, whispered something in the ears of the budding blossoms. The aroma of the flowers, ensnared by her spell, followed her footsteps…their petals wilted in the heat wave of my burning sighs.

Now my heart is never at peace, my eyes are ever sleepless, ever searching – which route did she follow? Where did she go? Because in her going she has walked all over my heart, like the gentle spring wind…

* Kashinfuu means the fragrant spring wind that brings the tidings of flowers.

* This was originally submitted to Inuyasha Issekiwa contest. It won second position.


	2. Summer: Samidare

I want to tell her, on days like these …

In this deep, dark, sunless gloom – when the sky rolls down, unleashing the primal, feral summer rain with the drum roll of the clouds, I wait to tell her…

No one else knows about these things – here in the branches of the goshinboku it is my little secret. On days like these, she comes to see me. For hours we sit, face to face, the deep pain carved within our souls, the endless tears of the sky – as if no one else exists in this world.

Cocooned within the haze of summer showers, the world dissolves into nothingness; the daily clamour of life becomes so distant, so futile, so petty, _empty_. With these thirsty eyes I drink up the nectarine sweetness of hers, with this broken heart I feel her every heartbeat – strong and reassuring, her calming aura. In moments like these only she exists before my eyes, every other reality is swallowed in the darkness.

When I finally say the words out loud, they don't jangle in my ears; they don't startle me as I imagined they would. They just quietly melt into my burning tears, and permeate into my soul, as the thick streams of rain permeate into the moist cracks of the barren soil.

Will it matter too much to the world if I take a moment to unburden my heart, I wonder? In our own leafy arbour, under the madness of the sky, hidden away from the harsh eyes of the world, if I whisper a word or two in her ears, would the heavens be devastated? But my prayers have already scattered in the unruly gales…my voice has been drowned out by the thunder.

Before I realize, it will stop raining. Day and night will start rolling; needlessly the world will turn again. The sun and the moon will stay awake, eternal and immortal in the vast sky. The tides will change in the ocean. Life will go on. So many encounters, so many joys and sorrows, so many people will come and go – these words that I now light as a candle at her altar will be blown out by the storm of everyday living. No one will even know that they were spoken.

But today…today the wind is playing a sharp, painful tune in my heartstrings, the lightning is striking a fiery lash across the sky – the words which I could never bring myself to tell her, the words that died in my lips each time I saw her gorgeous face – now alone in my secret arbour, I wait to say.

I want to tell her, on days like these …

* Samidare, in Japanese, means early summer rain.

* This was originally posted to Firsttweak for their Prompt, Summer Shower. It received first position.


	3. Autumn:Meigetsu

Moon, even my agony is sweet tonight, when you take the hue of honey. What deep melody do you play in my restlessness, as the universe sleeps in peace?

When the world was young, we floated a boat in the river of love. It wanders now, rudderless, in the ocean of Time, waiting for a kindly wind to take it home. Carrying our load of joy, sorrow and grief, it revolves in the whirlpools of the bottomless waves.

Moon, the high tide of tears had disturbed the sea of sorrow. Our boat was tied to the shore, but Time broke its anchor and the cruel storms of Fate carried it off. My fellow travellers crossed over to the other side. But I alone stood rooted in regret, in the depth of the inky night, separated from my guiding star, curses trailing my every step.

Yet, beyond the horizon of life and death he waits for me, in the lonely sky of my soul, beside the deep chasm of my desire. His silver hair fills the firmament, and I keep looking at him, mesmerized, arms outstretched.

Moon, what song has flooded through the misty night, quenching the heat wave of my thirst for him – what sad mirage are you drawing on my eyelids?

By what poignant magic is his fragrance flowing beyond centuries, riding the cool breeze? Why does it linger aimlessly, lost in the labyrinth of my breath? In what tune and rhythm are his words murmuring in the web of fallen leaves? Why is my heart beating in rhyme with the night?

Moon, are you guiding our boat back to the shore? Or is tonight's symphony a requiem for our last goodbye?

* Meigetsu means Harvest Moon – the bright moon seen in September; used here as a metaphor for autumn.

*Originally posted to Firsttweak for their prompt Heat wave. It received third position.


	4. Winter: Kogarashi

What course of treacherous ice were you treading on, while I was lost in my slumber? Whatever broke inside me was blessed with your footfall.

The dry wind blows in wintry desolation, my eyes are sleepless with the same despair; as the shoji opens in the gusts of wind, I look up with a start, thinking you have made your way back home. What wind will bring the news of your homecoming, I wonder…

The joys that you had given are the burning embers of my winter night. I'll keep them stringed in a necklace of rubies. Then unknown to all, I'll put it around my neck and wear it in the middle of the bitter cold.

The evening is bleak in winter; nothing is visible outside. How will I make out the path you are walking on? By what distant river does it bed? By what deep forest does it run? In what dread darkness are you crossing over to my shores?

The trees have shed each hope with their leaves; the sky has shed each tear with its snowflakes; why then do the seeds sleep under the blanket of snow, harbouring the dreams of spring sunlight? Why does the plum bloom, red as a passionate heart, proudly defying the white austerity when the chrysanthemum has withered away?

You took the harp lovingly in your lap, struck a tune with your cruel hands. When the heartstrings broke, you left it, abandoned on the ice. That silent song, I know, is your gift to me. It revolves now in the cold winter wind, in tuneless tunes. What melody are you going to follow, bringing with you the herald of spring?

* Kogarashi is a Japanese word meaning dry, wintry wind.


	5. The Gobetween

Summary: Kagome is back to the Sengoku era. Miroku and Sango have arranged for her to spend her first night with Inuyasha, but she feels shy of flouting social conventions as they are not married yet. This can be taken as Sango's viewpoint.

* * *

In the heart of the forest, under the canopy of leaves, lies the makeshift arbour for your secret tryst. Flout all conventions, shy belle, and don't think it is inappropriate – go meet your lover tonight.

Drape a gown as blue as ether, pin to your heart a brooch of roses fresh as your love, sport a blush as deep as the lotus, eyes pretty as a doe's, smile as pure as the morning dew – go to your lover tonight.

Look, the blossoms are pouring a cascade of aroma, the nightingales are pouring a cascade of melody, and the moon is pouring a cascade of ambrosia like pure silver. The bees are gently buzzing in the gardens, blooming the white jasmines bewitchingly, and the river laughs by indolently like molten crystal.

Look at him, shy belle, with the love that is overflowing in your eyes. Look at his sweet face, his locks that put even the moonlight to shame. Let him greet you with sweet whispers and quickened heartbeats, let little shivers of delight run through your body – in the heart of the forest, under the canopy of leaves.

Resplendent with the wine of youth, joyous with the passion of love, sleepy with the balmy breeze, rest in each other's arms for the night. Under the sweet harvest moon let madness come over, let the spring fever spread, let all restraints come undone, your shyness come undone.

The half-bloomed lotus will sway in the fragrant breeze, your eyes will close by themselves, your gasps will slip out incoherent, the imprints of his kisses on your lips will deepen, as the sweet fire of shimmering love envelopes the two of you – tonight, in the heart of the forest, under the canopy of leaves.

* First submitted to Inuyasha Fanfiction for their prompt Inappropriate. Won first position.


	6. Cowardly Love

Summary: Kagome and Inuyasha are reunited after three years. But is it so easy for him to forget the pain and embrace the happiness? He wonders on the first night they spend together.

* * *

You have won against Time, you are safe within her arms – why do you still tremble in fear, cowardly love? Do you not find repose in the rainbow of possibilities washing over you tonight? If your lips are smiling, from which bottomless well are these tears rising in your eyes? Ah…restless cowardly love…

The flames of separation have quenched at last, the raindrops of our sweet union have fallen soundlessly from the deep, cloudy sky. Then what familiar agony still stabs my heart, saddens my soul with meaningless sorrow? Can't you find a moment's peace, cowardly love?

From under the blanket of the blind night, I stare at the distant sky – it has become a habit of mine. I imagine that the stars are stealing away her lonely tears. Her gentle breath is a reminder that she is in my arms tonight. Is she sleeping? Is she melting into me? Or is she just a dream?

The sound of the rain on the pine leaves fills the insomnia of this crazy night. The transient delusion of her abandonment has been shattered. Why, then, do petty grudges still prick at my soul like pine needles?

The shadow-boat has sailed forth from the land of fantasy into the sea of dreams. All my quests have ended in her, she is my uttermost bondage and liberation. Then why does this dark cloud of fear obscure the words that are floating in my mind? Oh, give me a moment's rest, treacherous, cowardly love!

* First submitted to IYissekiwa for their prompt Safe and Sound. Didn't win (pout).


	7. Promises

Summary: The morning after spending a sleepless night, Inuyasha decides to come clean about his feelings and misgivings. It is up to Kagome to reassure him. Attempted lyrical, albeit unrealistic portrayal of their conversation.

A/N: For ananova, who inspired me with this wonderful idea!

* * *

"I lied to you, and deceived my own heart with misleading words. I treated you harshly and smarted with the pain. But from this moment, Kagome, I leave my silly charades behind, and will show you the ache and desire of my heart."

"I've loved you endlessly, Inuyasha, in countless lives, through endless millennia. I have forever searched for you through a kaleidoscope of faces. In ever-changing forms, you have accepted my unchanging offerings to you – time and time again."

"I tried to walk away from you, but you are my whole world. However far I wandered I ended up a step closer to you. When I look up I see your smiling face – my solace and refuge. Your beauty blooms by itself, floats in its own resplendent lake; I despair for my mendicant longings that have no place at your exalted seat."

"I used to read about the ancient legends – the love stories from bygones eras. In my imagination, I travelled with the heroes and sighed with their burning throes of passion. Through the veil of oblivion I tried to look into the hazy horizon and discern their faces. But only your face ever came through, like the guiding star, piercing through the dark night of Time."

"You belong to dreams and flowers – this cold earth is not for you. I've dared, without a thought to my mediocrity, to offer my tattered, tarnished heart to you. I've tried to live in the light of your eyes knowing that I belong, like those flowers, at your feet."

"Remember how the two of us, like driftwood, came floating through the tides of love gushing from the fountain of eternity? Remember how we played amongst thousands of lovers – as tears in their lovelorn eyes, as the throbbing of their hearts in sweet embrace – how we garbed our old love in new raiment everyday?"

"Wench, I weary of carrying the burden of my thoughts, trying to control this unbridled shrew of a heart. So today, I offer my everything to you – my pain and my shame. Let me tell you a hundred times that I am yours, in hope and despair."

"My love for you are the dewdrops lying on your hand. In them, behold the joy of every lifetime, the memory of every century, the song of every poet – then close your palm and see each face, every story dissolve into you."

* First submitted to Inuyasha Fanfiction for their prompt Misleading. Won first position.


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